The tanning experience...

In preparation for getting hitched, I have decided it would be best to ditch my ghostly white British completion and hit up the tanning bed to get my Floridian glow back. And even more so they say being tan makes you look thinner and we all want to be a little skinnier! I walked across the street to the only tanning bed in Poole and signed myself up for 100 minutes and asked for the lotion that would make me the blackest! I explained I was getting married and needed to look like I live in Jamaica and maybe even be mistaken for Bob Marley’s daughter. I am thinking 100 minutes will get me halfway there. After getting many bizarre looks from the tanning lady, she told me to go into the middle room. As I stood up and turned around I saw these three porta-potty look-a-like pods in the middle of the room. It had to be some kind of optical illusion because there was no way an entire tanning bed fit in that tiny space. Not knowing what to expect I walked in and was shocked to see it was a standing up tanning bed!! How on earth does that work? What do I do?  How do I cover my face, how do I cover other sensitive body parts I wish to keep hidden from the UV rays, and most importantly how do I take my quick 10 minute nap pretending I am at the ocean sipping a pina colada? Not even sure how to turn this space ship looking thing on, I popped my head out and told the lady I had no idea what to do or how this thing turns on. She looked at me like I was from Mars, came over, and told me I step inside this pod, push the lift button so the floor rises up (weird!), and hold onto the bar over my head!!! I did as she said and when the lights came on and the floor lifted me up, all I could think about was my armpits burning! They have never seen the sun and are whiter than a fish’s belly. Then all flustered about having burned armpits, on top of being in this roasting machine with my arms above my head, I started seeing stars and getting light headed. I was on the verge of fainting. It was like I was over heating and there was no place to sit down! This was the most un-relaxing experience of my life! I am beginning to rethink my dream of being a skinny Jamaican and may just go to my wedding as a pasty Brit!