Fanny

While living in England I have learned that just because they speak English doesn’t mean it is the same English I grew up speaking in the good ol’ American south. For instance, when a person asked you for the loo, they are not in search of a boy named Louie, but simply the porcelain throne. While other Brits will not be so polite and bluntly tell us all exactly what they need, the toilet. Could you imagine being at a fancy restaurant, or better yet, a southern belle debutant ball exclaiming, “where’s the toilet”? Then there is fag for cigarette, pram for stroller, trolley for buggy, and lorie for semi truck. They pronounce basil and oregano funny and no one working in the grocery store has never even heard of cilantro, much less what aisle it is on. With all these different words to learn, and many words having totally different meanings, it is almost as if I have had to learn a new language. And as we all know, learning a new language takes time and sometimes the things you say have a completely different meaning.

When I first met Andy’s friends we all went to the local (pub) for a pint (beer). We stood around chatting, me listening not understanding while I laughed on queue with everyone else at something I was not sure was really funny. As conversations go, and one topic leading to another, I chimed in on the parenting topic and said, “If I had behaved like that my Dad would have spanked my fanny!” As soon as the word fanny left my mouth I had ten horrified faces staring at me with wide-open mouths in shock and disbelief as Andy leaned over and whispered in my ear the British meaning of fanny. I quickly learned in England fanny is not a schoolgirl, innocent, nice way to say butt, behind, or ass, but rather a girls “front bum” (in America we simply call it a vagina). Naturally this perverted, vulgar comment is not the first thing you want you boyfriend's friends to hear roll out of your mouth. This is definitely not the way you want your already redneck, tobacco spitting, Honey Boo Boo Child watching country portrayed, especially to the posh, horseback riding, Pimms sipping, proper folk your were just introduced. So if I don’t want bizarre stares and gawking faces, or better yet, child services or the police coming after me, I better refrain from using fanny and just stick to bum!